you know, it's weird

i meant to stay away

but now i suddenly find i need this identity
this silent witness
this ear with no mouth
so i may whisper my insanities into it and let them go.

i am petrified daily with fears

the fear that i'm not good enough in any given facet of my life
the fear that i am never going to be proud of who i am longer than it takes for the rush to wear off
fear that the ones i love will leave me
fear that if they do, it will be my fault.

i have a love now

he is beautiful
he is young
he is impulsive
and he still feels things as urgently as the very young feel them.

i just feel old
and strangely,
also at a sexual peak of some sort
i feel this wild craven hunger constantly
i fear it may be the downfall of my greatest happiness.

i have never been one to turn down anyone
excepting the two years i somehow slipped through, half alive,
trying to make myself whole again.

my love has cheated before,
on other lovers
and i fear that if he were not happy with me
he would simply find fleeting happiness in other arms . . .
he left another to be with me.

i have tossed this around between my head and heart
asking them what it really means to me
they mock me with silence
or maybe i just don't like the answer
and therefore refuse to hear it.

i know he has been untruthful on some small issues
things so minute they should not matter
then, i hit back with this:
if it was so small, why did he lie?
and i can't answer that.

then i feel stupid to think of it and remind myself that he's not given me any real reason to doubt his faithfulness
and the one who worries the most is the one most likely to fall.

am i only looking for a reason to push him away now
so i can be sure he doesn't hurt me later?

am i pushing him to falter
so i may be self-riotous in my indignation when he does?

am i over analyzing this so i may back away in fear
so i may strike the first blow and make sure he leaves on my terms
because i am a sick paranoid fuck
who can't believe anyone could love her and stay?

i don't know
so i keep it all wrapped tight
and swallow it down
and pray it does not choke me . . .